A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid," answers the woman.
"We don't have a maid," says the man.

The woman says, "I was hired this morning by the woman of the house."
The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

The woman replies, "She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming and says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"


The maid asks, "What will I have to do?"
The man tells her, "I want you to get out my gun, and shoot the Bitch and the jerk she's with."

The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"

The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."
Puzzled, the maid answers, "But Sir, you don't have a pool."

A long pause and the man asks, "Oops..! Is this 2261-1382?" Sorrrry Wrong Numberrr !!!

******

A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled.
The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man.
"No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient said. 

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects. "I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!"

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill. "No,"- the patient says, -"I am fine with pills".
The dentist then returns and says, "Here is a Viagra tablet."
The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagara worked as a pain pill!"
"It doesn't,"- said the dentist -"but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth."

 ******

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-hour.
Then, this big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life.
First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car,
I found out it was stolen.
The police, they said they couldnt do anything.
I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab.
I got home only to find my wife sleeping with my neighbour.
I left home and came to this bar. When I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."

******

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a monkey.
The shop owner points to 3 identical looking parrots on a perch and says the parrot on the left cost $ 500.00,
Why does that one cost so much? asked the shopper.
The owner says well that parrot knows how to use a computer.

The man then asks about the next parrot and was told that this one cost $1000.00 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus he knows the Unix operating system.

Naturally the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs $ 2000.00 .
Needles to say this begs the question.

What can it do?
To which the owner replies:

"To be honest I have never seen him do a thing..He just sits there whistling.. but the other two call him "BOSS".